Wow...that was so friskingly awesome. I like the imagery, and the parallel structure just increases the dramatic effect, or so I think. I just wish I had more constructive criticism...I will think and tear it apart later...but as of right now before I do, nice work.

I don't think I've ever seen a parallel poem in action... this is positively mind-boggling, 'cause it's 11:30 PM and I should be in bed by now, but wow.

Do you mean "one is never enough" or "once is never enough" as the ending line on the second parallel stanza? Just curious.

I have to fav this, because wow. I don't know which stanza to read. Or whether I should just read it all smooshed together. Gah. So many choices. , for the fact that you've done something incredibly unique (at least, to me, since I've never seen this style before, and especially not here on DA) and executed it well.

I like the incorperation of rhythm and structure in this poem. It doesn't distract the reader from the poem itself and it sort of sets the up-beat mood for it. It was held together well. Very nice.

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"Overshadowed by the faintest whisper of death"

mmmm. this is so tasty ^_^ SO GOOD. Your work rocks. They aren't helpful comments, but they're from the heart ^_^




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do your part. love your mother.

is it supposed to be read diffrent ways.

cuz At first I thought they all worked. But the only one I really like is left to right all the way across.

I think it makes it feel faster. And you pack alot of info in. so it works for me.

left colom goes okay by itself but Right just didn't work? maybe I need to be more carefull when I read it like that.

I like the concept. I like the speed being a car. Why does he die twice? when he hits the winshdeild then again? when he knows that the speed is over? when, I don't know....his heart just stops from fear/knowledge of death? then gets impaled.

I love the spacing. I love the punctuation. Too me that tells me you want to read it the way I like to read it best. but after a nother look through it makes decent sense going from collom to collumn just the second is more abstract and I don't like that. Thats my bag. its not bad. in fact its really fucking cool.


Have a good evening.

sigh.

impressive.

i'd like to stay angry at you, but i can't.





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what's kay is kay - j3

I love the ending... absolutely adore the ending...

You have excellent imagery... I haven't the mental focus currently to really parse this poem... but I do like it.

I love how it can be read column by column or straight across... that's freakin' cool. Is that all it takes for this kind of poem? I've never seen this done, but it looks very interesting.

Excellent job all around.

To answer the questions as best I can: the last line is written as intended, it is intended to have multiple readings, and I have no idea if there are any rules for the form. It just occurred to me. Since I'm far from original, I'm sure there is an established convention for this sort of thing, but I am woefully ignorant of it.


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"It's like the first time you tasted celery, you are speechless, even humiliated."

-Aki Riihilahti

despite myself, i like the right-side stanza better vertically, but combined the left holds finer moments. not sure how that happened exactly. the only piece that i think has a hole is "towards impartial angels in his soaring wake", which doesn't strictly make sense, although it does turn out pretty cool when combined again.

all the same, nice job with the first run through a new concept, i'm impressed.

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impressive. it really takes a lot of thought and tweaking to make 2 parts work independently and together, all the while coordinating neat alliterations and whatnot as you did. and needless to say, the form perfectly fits the content and leaves the poem open for many many fun interpretations.